The past couple days have been hard in regards to my Mom. If you’ve lost someone like a parent, child or spouse you can probably relate. Everyday you’re morning but there are days where it’s harder and it hits you out of nowhere. I can’t say what sparked me last night but I began regretting decisions and blaming myself for things that weren’t my fault; “maybe if I’d not supported her decision she’d still be here kind” of thing.
Today I was reorganizing my email box and came across emails from planning her funeral and emails she’d sent me in the months before her passing like the October trip we were supposed to be on this month.
Maybe that’s why I’m so emotional - we had stuff planned. A trip, a Halloween party, stuff.
Now I’m out watching a tribute band with my Dad and it’s music she enjoyed as well. I’m watching the female guitarist hit these solos and thinking how much she’d love to see this.
I’m sitting here, trying not to cry because I don’t want my Dad or his friend to notice. I’m trapped between our table, the one next to us, and a railing, so if I’m to get up and leave I have to go under the table. No smooth getaway allowed.
I wrote this a few days ago and have decided to go ahead and post it.
