Monday, August 19, 2019
Journal
Food
- Breakfast: Cherries
- Lunch: Salad, pasta with red sauce
- Dinner: none
Sleep night before: 10 hrs 5/5 stars
Exercise: none
Med tracker: yes
Thoughts: I ate a plate full of salad and a plate full of pasta for lunch and didn’t get bloated. That never happens! I’d normally feel sick after eating all that. The acid medication I’ve started using is awesome!
Now that I’m not feeling sick I can start working on my diet. It’s easier to make a meal plan when food doesn’t repulse you.
Thankful for: My pa.
Sunday, August 18, 2019
Journal
Food:
- Breakfast: 8 chicken wings and a can of Dr. Pepper
- Lunch: cherries
- Dinner: buttered noodles
Sleep night before: 8 hrs 4/5 stars
Exercise: none
Meds: anxiety & antacid
Med tracker: yes
Thoughts: I’m very good at planning things, but very bad at doing them. I will use up my time planning what I need to get done and never have time to do it and then I’m rushing around like a chicken with its head cut off.
Like this moment. I should have washed my hair three hours ago; I told myself I was going to wash my hair three hours ago, and now I have to leave in an hour and I have yet to get off my computer because I was busy setting up this blog to motivate myself to do things like wash my hair.
I’m the type who puts emphasis on outside forces as excuses for why I’m able to do or not do things, and I need to stop doing that. I need to put more emphasis on myself in ways other than to demean myself. I’ve had depression since I can remember and it’s dominated my thought pattern. I’m on meds now as an adult but I’m not consistent with taking them. I take them, do better, and then feel like I don’t need them and stop taking them - it’s not a conscious choice, it’s a out-of-sight-out-of-mind kind of thing.
Thankful for: The ability to start over
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Month of Spirits
The past couple days have been hard in regards to my Mom. If you’ve lost someone like a parent, child or spouse you can probably relate. Everyday you’re morning but there are days where it’s harder and it hits you out of nowhere. I can’t say what sparked me last night but I began regretting decisions and blaming myself for things that weren’t my fault; “maybe if I’d not supported her decision she’d still be here kind” of thing.
Today I was reorganizing my email box and came across emails from planning her funeral and emails she’d sent me in the months before her passing like the October trip we were supposed to be on this month.
Maybe that’s why I’m so emotional - we had stuff planned. A trip, a Halloween party, stuff.
Now I’m out watching a tribute band with my Dad and it’s music she enjoyed as well. I’m watching the female guitarist hit these solos and thinking how much she’d love to see this.
I’m sitting here, trying not to cry because I don’t want my Dad or his friend to notice. I’m trapped between our table, the one next to us, and a railing, so if I’m to get up and leave I have to go under the table. No smooth getaway allowed.
I wrote this a few days ago and have decided to go ahead and post it.
